I've not been bloggin much about the community mainly because I'm so damn busy working as a mission developer. But one thing has really been weighing on me: the emotional weirdness and vulnerability of being a "church planter" (I hate that term). On the one hand, there are certain personality traits that help in this work: drive, charisma, commitment, passion, humor...these thing really help out if you happen to be someone irrational enough to think they might be able to pull a church out of their...pocket (by the power of the Holy Spirit of course). However, this particular constellation of characteristics comes with a down side: ego, tunnel vision, working one's self to exhaustion and , oh yeah...ego. It's a particular form of simul iustus et peccator (simultaneously saint and sinner) often found in this line of work (and now that I think about it perhaps serial killing and venture capitalism as well). One of the most exhausting dynamics for me in what I do is that I internalize WAY too much both good and bad. Every new person who shows up, every unanswered email, every "no" RSVP, every "yes" RSVP. It's not sustainable. But the establishment of this community is so deeply important to me, so how does one live out this type of vocation with a healthy dose of detachment? How do I do the work and (hold on to your stomachs) "release the results". If I were a business entrepreneur then it could "be all about me" and no one would blink an eye. But this is a church. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be about the Triune God and not about Nadia. Letting go is about more than releasing control. It's also about not internalizing everything.
I love you dear SL readers but I swear to God if someone says "have you prayed about it" I'll ban your comments until Jesus comes back. Yes, I pray about it. I'm just that desperate.
Dear God,
I confess that I am in bondage to self. I thought that maybe after 16 years in AA that would change but apparently not. If you could help me see that this whole church thing is about you and not about me then that would be really helpful.
Watch out for the House for All folks since I am their pastor and that's just kind of weird. I'm going to try and trust your judgement on that one even though it seems questionable.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
I hear you - when I am dealing with my own Adult Child of Alcoholic crapola (which never goes away though I can much easier readily identify it and hence deal with it much earlier on), the last thing I want is someone to tell me to "pray about it." (I did buy a pocket rosary because I realized that saying the Anglican version of that is probably better than O s*** and I am the type who needs visual reminders to help me center.)
This is why I got so freakin' frustrated with the NYC emergent cohort imploded because I saw the real need for people to have a group where they could go to deal with these real issues that they raised - perhaps like in 12 step programs others would have advice, encouragement, etc. Instead it evolved into a mostly male whizzing contest.
What I do pray for is that you continue to have the support of your church buds around the world who have been there and continue to be your companions on the journey and that you make new friends along the way. I know that I have writer buds who help me despite myself. I wouldn't be a writer without them and I know it.
Posted by: becky | September 21, 2008 at 08:45 AM
I hear you - when I am dealing with my own Adult Child of Alcoholic crapola (which never goes away though I can much easier readily identify it and hence deal with it much earlier on), the last thing I want is someone to tell me to "pray about it." (I did buy a pocket rosary because I realized that saying the Anglican version of that is probably better than O s*** and I am the type who needs visual reminders to help me center.)
This is why I got so freakin' frustrated with the NYC emergent cohort imploded because I saw the real need for people to have a group where they could go to deal with these real issues that they raised - perhaps like in 12 step programs others would have advice, encouragement, etc. Instead it evolved into a mostly male whizzing contest.
What I do pray for is that you continue to have the support of your church buds around the world who have been there and continue to be your companions on the journey and that you make new friends along the way. I know that I have writer buds who help me despite myself. I wouldn't be a writer without them and I know it.
Posted by: becky | September 21, 2008 at 08:46 AM
That was one hell of a great post, Nadia. So many people, I think, are caught in that business-church/results conundrum. And then in the process, wear themselves out. Ego, yup, that's the greatest challenge. Ego can be both a great motivator and a great big gigantic emotional trap.
Posted by: jeshuaerickson | September 23, 2008 at 08:00 PM
I hear you Nadia! For me there is ego on one hand, self-doubt on the other. Somehow they seem to work together in a friendly little paradox. And this adventure is not supposed to be about me either way, but the work of the Holy Spirit. Thanks for your post! I feel it.
Posted by: Karlene | September 28, 2008 at 07:59 AM
I'm experiencing this right now. I take offense at anyone who misses an organizational meeting, I get irritated, etc. Thanks for the post.
Posted by: James Townsend | October 22, 2008 at 08:35 AM