a confession

Personal confession:
I have such an antipathy for conservative-jesus-as-your-personal-lord-and-savior Christianity, and let's face it, Christians themselves- that it's a sin. Seriously, I hate that whole thing. I hate the smugness, the certainty, the Biblical (selective) literalism. I hate the exclusion of women (usually) and of gays (always). And it's not that I just don't understand it, trust me I do. I was raised in the Church of Christ - not the United Church of Christ mind you...the Church of Christ, which is like Baptist Plus. I can recite the party line with the best of them and I will go to any lengths to avoid being around these people. I feel like wearing a shirt everyday that says "I'm not that kind of Christian". Basically I find the whole thing profoundly creepy and uncomfortable. It's ok for me to disagree with them theologically, but I take it to the next level. If I am called to love those who persecute me (or, in my opinion, persecute the Gospel), then I'm doing a lousy job and that's not ok. I guess I'm saying I need to love the sinner but hate the bad theology. Or maybe I'm to just love the person and stop being such a theological bigot.

I am uncomfortable with a whole lot of Christianity. But the thing is, I'm Christian (note I didn't say "a" Christian...as that, to me, plays into the whole Western individualism gone amuck in the church thing ....another example of which is the "personal" lord and savior bit...you know - "personal trainer", "personal shopper", "personal assistant" and "personal lord and savior") Anyhow, in the emerging church conversation I have limited my interactions and conversation (almost) exclusively to my fellow Lutheran/Anglican tribe members and have avoided the post-evangelicals. This exhibits an enormous amount of hubris on my part, but there it is.

Here's why I'm struggling with this right now. There is an emerging women's blog that I occasionally try and participate in, they're a fine group of gals but I have no patience for comments sometimes left about how "unfortunate it is that there is swearing in the posts on a Christian blog". This nicey-nice Christian crap is why so many people want nothing to do with us. Are we really serving the gospel this way? In all fairness I'm sure my critics would say the same about the fact that I basically swear like a truck driver. Anyway, there is an emerging women's gathering in Portland that I'm considering attending. This is a huge step for me - to be willing to step outside my tribe a bit. So I poked around on the web looking for information about the event. I found a list of the organizers and looked at the home page from one of their churches. It looked amazing with lots of street kids and crazy dreadlocked pastors, but on their "about us" page the first thing was that "we believe the Bible is inerrant and totally true", which made me want to never stop slapping them. I couldn't simply think "huh, interesting" and leave it at that...no, it became personal. The thing is, I've met this woman and she's absolutely lovely...we just have differing views on scripture. I feel like maybe I'm ready to start getting over this enormous bias of mine, - which does nothing to improve the theology of my subjects, but simply unsettles me and feels like crap. Maybe it's time to put my theological money where my mouth is and BE a reconciling person in the world, not one who sets up more division between myself and others. You know, I travel all the time and attend events and meeting, consultations and planning teams with people who are my theological fellows. Perhaps I might gain something from being around people who also are Christian but who might have more traditional views than I. Perhaps God can actually be at work with and among decision-theology types. I suppose on some level my reaction against the evangelicals is a defense measure. Who I am was not ok to the conservative Christians in the church I was raised in and in order to avoid that awful feeling I reject them before they can reject me. OK, I get it. Once again God is speaking to me. The message is almost always the same: Get Over Yourself. But it's really hard.

A Prayer is needed:
Dear God,
Your followers make me crazy. I'm totally a jerk about this and I'm sorry. It'd be great if maybe you could try and improve some of the theology on the ground here, and if that's not going to happen then help me to not be so arrogant. Be with those whom I find most irritating and show me how to love them. This is pretty much only going to happen by your grace, which in the past has done for me what I could never do for myself, so I'm trusting you again. Your will, not mine be done (we can all be thankful for that)
In Jesus' name,
AMEN

Comments

[MadPriest]

You swear like a Gallilean fisherman.

[Pamela Creager]

You are effen fabulous!!

[Pastor Astor]

Honest and true. As a used to be evangelical, I can assure you I´m not worth much in their eyes either. I used to have all my alarms go off at certain words and tones of voice (in our group, we even played with each others alarms by saying things like "there is only one true way to understand this scripture"). The only way tp tune these alarms was to actually step out and face it. Go to the conference, it will do you good.

[sonja]

I'm a post-evangelical and they won't have me either. I'm a woman who dares to have a calling to teach ... and think for myself. Bwa ha ha ha. I also swear like a truck driver and constantly embarass my husband. I think you might be surprised if you go to the conference and meet the real women behind the website masks that everyone wants to put up.

[sonja]

Hey ... I just noticed you're a RevGal too ... so am I!! Glad I found your blog. :-)

[bigdaddystevieB]

Many thanks for this - especially for your prayer. I have similiar difficulties, even with people from within our church community/congregation!

[JWH]

it's comforting to read your confession - I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I'll push a bit farther - some of the services built by these folks also bother me. Guess your prayer arrives on my screen in time. Just wondering... which blog were you referring to? As far as the conference, be true and honest in your intentions, no matter what you finally decide.

[Mark]

You have been an inspiration of a sort for me. You may not remember it but on the Emergent Leaders site I asked it there was any kind of vision statement or strategy for partnering emergent ideas with the mainline church. You recommended the book "Emergent Church" Bolger/Gibbs. This may sound a little over the top but that book changed my life. As a "wild hair" member of our ELCA church counsel I have been pushing for a serious assessment of direction and vision in the light of that book. Progress has been slow but I have made some inroads. I would be interested in hearing your perspective on the prospects. Also, I am curious what you do at the Theology pub. That sounds interesting to me. I'd be glad to hear from you if you drop me a line or post on meaningspace.blogspot.com

mark at desertbirds dot com
Bay Area, California (Gilroy)

[Rachel]

Rock on sister. You are like salve on the open wound of many souls and always feed me some good theological grub. Thanks - as always - for the prayer. Maybe I could initiate a call, conference call or something and have a discussion about Theology Pub? Sounds like there may be some interest and I am a total lame-o for not calling yet. Bless you sister.

[Rachel]

And I'd love to hear if you are going to the EW thing in IL. I am thinking about it.

[si-uh]

theological smugness? certainly not you!

actually, the holier-than-thou attitude can cut both ways, and I guess there's just the "I'm better because I swear" camp and the "I'm better because I don't swear" camp, and everybody in both camps is so consumed with pride that it's a wonder God doesn't just drop kick us all across the universe and start all over again! I sure would.

[allevacmt]

If you think people are persecuting the Bible by saying that Jesus is their personal savior than that's something you've got to duke out with Jesus himself. Is that not what he claims to be time and time again in his own words?

I've also felt uncomfortable and frustrated being around people who when they talk about their faith use, what I like to call 'Christianese'. It's more about what sometimes feels like a lack of sincerity than the language that bothers me. But I've realized that I've got to stop bashing other Christians and disassociating myself from these people because I think they're 'uncool'. Especially before I've given them the chance to talk real with me and find out what they really believe. It's disrespectful and assuming. And if we call ourselves Christians we need to really think about who Jesus says he is and get comfortable with it. You either admire his compassion but think he's a freak when he starts claiming to be Lord or your personal savior, or you're aware of who he is and are on board with it.

[towanda]

Dear allevacmt -- can you please point me to where Jesus calls himself my "personal lord and savior"? Because in my Bible, he never does. He is called "savior" 3 times in the gospels, by someone else.

Besides, you're missing SL's point: she was not critiquing the "lord and savior" part so much, but the individualist focus of "personal".

To SL: I repeat myself, but -- You rock, and are totally fabulous. Even if you hate working in groups (like me...).

[Rachael Kenoyer]

Spill it, sister!!

[Rose Anderson-Levy]

I don't know if you're going to see this as the post is from two years ago. But I really want to know - why do you refuse to view the Bible as inerrant? What is the problem here? I don't mean that confrontationally, I genuinely want to know. Also, you say that people who believe the Bible is inerrant are selective. But so are you! Presumably you take some of the Bible literally, otherwise what is your theology based on?? The Bible calls us to be different, to be separate from the world. Do you have an issue with that text too? I genuinely want to know your thoughts, so I am leaving my real email address here. It's not my intention to bash your beliefs, I really want to know what the issue with the Bible is.