Cocoa Puffs for dinner

I just survived a horrible morning with my daughter. She's about as willful and defiant as myself and therefore about as impossible to parent as I'm sure I was. It seems that it doesn't matter *how* gently and lovingly we encourage her to eat her breakfast, put on her uniform and make her lunch she refuses to actually obey us. And no matter *how* strict and punishing we are about her morning routine she still acts as though she is in charge. Don't get me wrong we are in no way the kind of parents who have a child-run house. We respect our kids as individuals with their own idea, and strengths etc..., but we do not abdicate authority to them in the creepy way I see others do. God bless 'em if it works for them, but I pretty much think that we're the parents and they're the kids and it's our responsibility (among other things) to civilize them so that others can stand to be around them. (nothing more pleasant than an afternoon with a child who is allowed to be in charge of their parents) Anyhow, here we are setting limits and enforcing consequences while always communicating options to her and somehow we are under the impression that this stellar parenting should net the results of a responsible and responsive kid, but Holy Shit, is that totally NOT the case. Let me tell you, if you have ever doubted the concept of original sin, just have kids. I'm telling you, we are a fallen, broken people who really need some good parenting. So my kid likes to feel like she's in charge, so when I tell her she has 5 minutes to get dressed for school, she spends that time sitting on the floor of her room (still in her PJs) reading a book. Therefore, she then loses the choice of what to wear that day and I now choose her least favorite uniform. (all the best Mamas are just a *little* bit mean). Now she has 10 minutes to make her lunch...(this is fully communicated to her) which she chooses to spend....playing in her room. SO Mama makes her lunch with all the healthiest and least fun foods in the house. Then we literally carry her out of the house and into the car kicking and screaming...surely Social Services is on their way as I type....
When my blood pressure returned to normal I began to think - Are we, as God's children, equally as willful and defiant? Does God's blood pressure rocket when God has to carry our kicking and screaming selves to the car? I know for me that I feel very much like a kicking and screaming 7 year old throwing a tantrum when I act like I am the one in charge, but then I don't get my way. So what does it mean to be children of God? I hate "obedience" language as much as the next willful child, but what does obedience mean in my life? Do I desire a God who allows me to metaphorically eat Cocoa Puffs for dinner? I'm certain that there are many times my daughter wishes I was a Mama who let her be in charge, but the big picture for her life would be pretty dismal if this came true. I feel like on some level I want a God who would allow me to have a six figure income, and perfect children and brand new boobs and Cocoa Puffs for dinner. But as with my daughter, my life would surely be dismal if I was the one in charge. I'm amazed how many times I feel the Holy Spirit saving me from myself.
As far as parenting is concerned, it's a continually humbling process. I often feel as though I am taking a test for which there are no correct answers, yet I'm being graded anyway. It's good fodder for prayer, let's put it that way.

Comments

[Judy Strasen]

Dear Nadia,
Here's some unsolicited, and therefore probably worthless parenting advice. It's a little something called "natural consequences." If your daughter is supposed to make her lunch and dawdles her time away, guess what, assuming she does not have a medical condition that would preclude the following, she gets to go to school without lunch, mom and dad don't rescue this. Trust me she'll survive and my guess will be she won't want to repeat the experience.
If she is refusing to get ready, there are a couple choices, calmly call the teacher or principle and put your daughter on the phone to tell them why she is "running late." Maybe she goes to school in her pajamas (this is carrying things a little far, but...I have known parents who have come close to enforcing this). Stay calm as you give her these prompts.
If she "misses" the bus, as it were, gee, she gets to spend the day without books, TV, friends as she accompanies Mom or Dad, going to classes, sitting in offices, standing in line at the Post office, picking up dry cleaning and running any other hellacious errands you can think of(have any business at the DMV?). I realize that with your CPE this might be not be possible, but if a babysitter is brought in he/she might be of assistance.

Just some thoughts. I know this sounds cruel, but if you remain calm, give her the prompts with setting the consequences, she gets to be "in control" while assuming the responsibility for the consequences. It's a lot like adulthood! What happens when you run late--you probably call people and let them know your running behind. Anyway, I know you get the picture.
Signed,
Parent survivor (:

[Janet Strickler]

Every year on Maundy Thursday, and once every three years in the Sunday lectionary, we read a portion of Psalm 78. The lectionary in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer lists the reading as Psalm 78:14-20,23-25. I am the kind of person who always wants to know what they are skipping, so I looked it up a few years ago, and every year I nag the priest so that he will have us read straight through including verses 21 and 22, because I think they are the most important part. Go read it and see what you think. If you read it without those two verses, the people are wandering in the wilderness, being ungrateful and complaining that they don't have any food, and God gives them manna to eat. Nice story. God is nice. Then you insert those two verses; the people are complaining, and God is full of wrath, and his anger is kindled against them because they don't trust him, and he opens up the heavens, and... (thunderbolt? destruction?)... he rains down manna upon them to eat, and gives them grain from heaven.
Now, THAT is love.
And I am very humbled when I realize that God still provides for me even when I am being willful and selfish and ungrateful, just like the children in the wilderness!