I've not been bloggin much about the community mainly because I'm so damn busy working as a mission developer. But one thing has really been weighing on me: the emotional weirdness and vulnerability of being a "church planter" (I hate that term). On the one hand, there are certain personality traits that help in this work: drive, charisma, commitment, passion, humor...these thing really help out if you happen to be someone irrational enough to think they might be able to pull a church out of their...pocket (by the power of the Holy Spirit of course). However, this particular constellation of characteristics comes with a down side: ego, tunnel vision, working one's self to exhaustion and , oh yeah...ego. It's a particular form of simul iustus et peccator (simultaneously saint and sinner) often found in this line of work (and now that I think about it perhaps serial killing and venture capitalism as well). One of the most exhausting dynamics for me in what I do is that I internalize WAY too much both good and bad. Every new person who shows up, every unanswered email, every "no" RSVP, every "yes" RSVP. It's not sustainable. But the establishment of this community is so deeply important to me, so how does one live out this type of vocation with a healthy dose of detachment? How do I do the work and (hold on to your stomachs) "release the results". If I were a business entrepreneur then it could "be all about me" and no one would blink an eye. But this is a church. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be about the Triune God and not about Nadia. Letting go is about more than releasing control. It's also about not internalizing everything.
I love you dear SL readers but I swear to God if someone says "have you prayed about it" I'll ban your comments until Jesus comes back. Yes, I pray about it. I'm just that desperate.
I confess that I am in bondage to self. I thought that maybe after 16 years in AA that would change but apparently not. If you could help me see that this whole church thing is about you and not about me then that would be really helpful.
Watch out for the House for All folks since I am their pastor and that's just kind of weird. I'm going to try and trust your judgement on that one even though it seems questionable.
In Jesus' name,